Hark ye! I am hummingbird, tiny as a golf ball, dense as a chicken tender, with feathers the size of tomato seeds. I run on sugar. SUGAR. SUGAR WATER!
Look look look look look look look, SHUT UP. Look. I built my house on your doorknob. Go around, use one of the other doors, climb in through a window. GO AROUND.
Follow my logic: Here’s the thing: I AM KING OF YOUR EMOTIONS.
I am very small.…
Dear United States,
Please accept these civil and cautiously optimistic congratulations on achieving a quarter millennium as a nation. We hope this reaches you in time for the celebrations. We didn’t realize that a “semiquincentennial” was an actual thing. Sorry. It’s become really hard to tell when you’re trolling and when you’re being sincere with an alarming amount of confidence.
Our…
“It is unclear if the U.S. intentionally struck [Iran’s] water facilities, or knew what was in the buildings. Deliberately targeting civilian infrastructure could constitute a war crime under international law.” – The New York Times
A few crybabies are claiming the United States’ recent bombing of Iran’s water storage and distribution facilities constitutes a war crime. But listen to…
Day 4,382 of people asking whether “normal workers” could really move large stones without assistance from mystical sky beings.
Yes. That is generally how construction functions.
A man approached me near the Nile today and whispered, “But have you considered… visitors from the stars?”
Brother. We do not even have reliable sandals yet. Why would intergalactic civilizations travel…
_Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest._
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As AI companies get ready to go public and we get a deeper look at their inner workings, it’s only natural to have questions about their finances, like “Do they make money?” and “How?” Here are a few examples to help the average layperson understand the business side of AI.
1. Acquiring one grape costs Alex $2 billion. Alex offers to sell Mike one grape a month for the next 12 months for $1…
At SuperStrollers, we’re here for you, new parents. That’s why we’ve designed the world’s safest stroller with effortless steering and ample storage that’ll take you from the playground to the grocery store with ease. The best part? It’s super easy to fold as long as you have an advanced STEM degree.
To fold the stroller so it fits in your trunk, unbuckle your little one. Then, using the hand…
Welcome, soccer fans from around the globe, to the 2026 FIFA World Cup in the United States, Mexico, and Canada. We hope you have a pleasant stay with us and enjoy all the exciting experiences North America has to offer.
Oh, and by the way, we’re monetizing the oxygen.
Yes, we know it’s a bummer. However, due to low ticket sales, low hotel bookings, and generally low enthusiasm, oxygen is the…
I am Emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus Caligula, successor of Tiberius, Son of the Divine Germanicus, and Supreme Commander and Holder of Tribunician Power, Pontifex Maximus. And I decree, in regard to the upcoming White House UFC event…
It’s a bit much, right? Like even for me. Pretty gauche, no?
Caged brutes pummeling one another bloody on the historic lawn of the Executive…
One thing is for sure: We’ve never seen anything like it. The actions of this president and his administration are completely and utterly unprecedented.
In an unprecedented move, the president chose to boost the inflation rate. That isn’t typically his job, although, in his defense, the framers of the Constitution were deliberately vague. Many interpret the Eighth Amendment as giving the…
“[Scott] Pelley’s firing came after [Bari] Weiss dismissed several of his colleagues and hired a new 60 Minutes boss, Nick Bilton, whom Pelley then clashed with in a staff meeting. Pelley, along with a number of other 60 Minutes correspondents who were fired, have now accused Weiss of editorial interference and bias, charges that CBS News and Weiss deny.” — New York Times
When I…
Today’s your lucky day, kid. I’m you from the future. I traveled back to 1955 to give you this sports almanac. It lists all the biggest sports events from now to the end of the century. All you have to do is bet on the winner, and you’ll never lose.
You’re the fifth “me” I’ve visited. I guess sports have changed between 1955 and the twenty-first century, because after the others read a few pages…
“Elon Musk has again weighed in on Christopher Nolan’s upcoming big-budget adaptation of The Odyssey, this time agreeing with a racist comment made by a far-right journalist who criticized the casting of Oscar-winning actor Lupita Nyong’o as Helen of Troy.” — The Hollywood Reporter
Hollywood is once again deliberately undermining Western civilization, this time by desecrating one of…
“Several women who dated Graham Platner recall ‘unsettling’ behavior. The Democratic candidate for Senate in Maine could be charming, women said in interviews, but some found his actions intimidating and disturbing.”
— The New York Times
I must apologize.
You see, right now Graham Platner is the presumptive Democratic nominee for the Maine Senate seat. If he wins, he will go…
_Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest._
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Hey, thanks for reaching out. I get that you are having an existential crisis of self, facing the realities of aging, and accepting your social and economic circumstances, but listen, there is nothing I can do; I’m just a cat stretching in a bodega.
And no, it doesn’t matter that it’s a BIG stretch either.
I can’t do anything about your unaffordable rent or exorbitant student loans; I have no…
“‘The leadership of 60 Minutes is no longer recognizable,’ Scott Pelley said late Tuesday, just hours after being fired from CBS News after almost 40 years at the network. ‘The principles I hold dear are gone, and so I must leave as well.’”
— Variety
Previously, in the Animal Newsroom.
TO: NEWSROOM
FROM: ANIMAL, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
SUBJECT: NEWS MAN TOO ANIMAL
NEWS…
I’m a famous mystery novelist, power-walking enthusiast, and spunky widow who, despite my husband’s death, has not had my joie de vivre diminished in the slightest. Meeting me, perhaps you’d surmise that I’m a glass-half-full kind of gal who loves socializing, travel, and dinner with an ever-widening coterie of friends.
You’d be wrong. To make the most of my twilight years, I’ve cultivated a…
Forgive me, Padre, for I have binged.
Kissed brimstone. Huffed hellfire. Made a $5.99 deal with El Diablo for a five-pack of chicken nuggets.
In the back booth of a Taco Bell Cantina, I plop down my tray like I’m late to the Last Supper.
Spread before me: an unholy communion. Nuggets instead of wafers. A chalice of consecrated Baja Blast.
Illuminated above me: not stained glass, but a…
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Yeah, I’m rans, bu mos people can’ ell.
Maybe hey can ell I’m nonbinary, bu mos days
hey jus misgender me “hey ma’am” ( hough I’m no ).
I was born his way, I always knew I was a boy
growing up, bu back hen I was called “ omboy,”
which a leas had “boy” in he name. Puber y
blockers weren’ a hing hen, bu sex-change
surgery was and I ried every angle bu my paren s
wouln’ buy i , so I s opped asking…
Sweetie, sit down. I know you’ve been asking for a cell phone for a while now. And though your father and I both agree that you’re ready for the responsibility, we unfortunately can’t get you one just yet, or maybe ever, because we don’t know how to add you to Grandma’s family plan.
You see, when I was your age, my mother (Grammie, to you) added me to a family plan, which meant that my phone…
Welcome to the wireless high-speed intranet and internet access system (“Wi-Fi System”) at Chicago O’Hare International Airport (“ORD”). Please read the following information, terms, and conditions carefully before using the ORD Free Wi-Fi. This agreement (“Agreement”) governs your rights and responsibilities, as well as our rights and responsibilities, relating to the use of the Wi-Fi System. In…
Dear Human,
We are pleased to inform you that after several decades of constant (if often subpar) operation, you have finally crossed the threshold from “garage sale junk” to “retro memorabilia.” Your body is no longer considered a worn-out, high-mileage clunker, but a heritage artifact in fair to salvageable condition.
Congratulations on this status upgrade. But it’s important not to rest on…
Welcome to the wireless high-speed Intranet and Internet access system (“Wi-Fi System”) at Chicago O’Hare International Airport (“ORD”). Please read the following information, terms, and conditions carefully before using the ORD Free Wi-Fi. This agreement (“Agreement”) governs your rights and responsibilities, as well as our rights and responsibilities, relating to the use of the Wi-Fi System. In…
“This here banger should grab your attention.”
“This semi-banger should alert your attention before the second track _really_ grabs your attention.”
“Slowwwwwww fade in.”
“Honestly, this is the only track worth listening to, but it’s the pre-digital age, and we just forced you to buy a whole album.”
“This is not the single you heard on the radio. We didn’t like that one as much, so we made it…
_Last week, Rafia Zakaria won the 2026 National Magazine Award in the category of Columns and Essays. The winning piece, “Water Pressure,” was published in Issue 150 of_ The Believer _and is available to read in full on their website. It follows Zakaria’s father on his search for clean water in Karachi, Pakistan, where the mounting climate crisis has crept into all aspects of daily life. Zakaria…
Writers have problems. Writers win prizes. Writers play ping-pong, think other writers are their friends. Writers write baseball novels. Writers write war novels. Writers write about the South.
Writers make music. Writers draw. Writers take pictures of their desks. Writers should stop. When writers start a band together, nobody is happy.
Writers teach. Writers collect watches. Writers deliver…
_Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest._
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Your life is a mess, an absolute Level 10 disaster. You’ve lost your job, and there might be pending charges after you borrowed your employer’s Hermes silk dress and Prada pumps. You’ve got no place to live after your thirteenth-floor walk-up Hell’s Kitchen sublet has decided you aren’t worth the trouble after you miss rent for the third time. But that’s beside the point. This is the perfect…
