CALGARY – Speaking to a crowd of supporters, Pierre Poilievre urged Albertans to vote to stay part of Canada, partly for national unity, and mostly because he doesn’t want to have to find a third federal riding to run in, in just under 2 years. “As we debate the fight for a united Canada, we […]
The post Poilievre campaigns on a united Canada: “Please don’t make me find yet another riding”…
Edmunston, NB – New Brunswick Premier Susan Holt says newly discovered alien teleportation technology is ending the province’s reputation as a place to just drive through on the way to other, better tourist destinations. At a news conference in Edmundston near the Quebec border, Holt unveiled a new Stargate that would allow tourists to teleport […]
The post New Brunswick opens Stargate at border…
QUEBEC – A new language law will require Quebecois meteorologists to stop using the annual list of Atlantic hurricane names generated by the US National Hurricane Center, and instead refer to all named tropical storms as “Jean-Pierre”. “The list of storm names generated each year by the National Hurricane Center does not reflect our language […]
The post Quebec language laws now require all 2026…
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark has unveiled his new federal AI strategy, promising Canadians that artificial intelligence technology is the most advanced, efficient way to surrender all of our collective wealth to US Tech oligarchs. “AI is the technology of the future, specifically the future where 5 astronomically-wealthy Silicon Valley overlords control every resource on […]
The post Carney…
Albertan separatists insist that leaving Canada won’t exclude them from keeping some residual benefits of being Canadian. Here is the list they propose: 1. passports 2. currency 3. smugness 4. those little flags we put on backpacks when we travel so people know we’re not American (2 per person) 5. the obligation to say thank […]
The post Everything Canadian that Albertans will be able to keep…
MUSKOKA, ON – A full-grown dock spider is counting the days until it gets to scurry across your unsuspecting hand, later this summer. Zoology experts report that you will likely emit a piercing shriek and flail about like an idiot, likely spilling whatever beverage you are drinking at the time. “The only thing I love […]
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TORONTO – A last minute rule change by FIFA means World Cup fans will no longer be able to bring the moisture inside their own bodies into host stadiums for the tournament. The latest FIFA rules document now states “for the avoidance of doubt, the 60% of human bodies that are made up of water […]
The post FIFA forbids Canadian fans from bringing water inside own bodies into World Cup matches…
SILICON VALLEY, CA – Streaming giant Netflix has fired back at a CRTC report recommending they increase their contributions to Canadian media, insisting this would force them to raise prices on Canadian consumers which they recently raised and were already planning to raise again. “Bing forced to spend more on Canadian content would be absolutely […]
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TORONTO – In what has become an annual tradition in community outreach, sports teams across Canada are marking June as Pride Month by adding rainbow logos to their profile pictures, releasing an official statement, and closing all comments on Facebook. “The Toronto Blue Jays believe baseball belongs to everyone and would like to take the […]
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CAMPBELL RIVER, B.C. – Overt racist speech has narrowly won out over the more traditional dogwhistle racist messaging this past Sunday, with “Loud Racism” officially becoming the new leader of the B.C. Conservative Party. Voting in the leadership election took four rounds, with ‘No Racism’ landing solidly in last place, followed by ‘Moderate Racism’ and […]
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Cambridge, MA – A new study from Harvard science has indicated that individuals who engage in just 30 minutes of jogging a day add 30 minutes more of stress into their day against those who do not. “Our recent forays into light exercise have really changed some of our preconceived notions,” explained Maya Brownstein, from […]
The post Study finds jogging for just 30 minutes a day can add 30…
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has reportedly settled on a last-ditch initiative to keep Canada safe from American instability: physically moving the entire nation to the continent of Europe. “The principal reason for Canada’s inextricable ties to the United States is that they are geographically speaking, our closest neighbour. Therefore, the solution seems patently […]
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EVIL LAIR, SOUTH PACIFIC – OpenAI CEO Sam Altman has suggested that intelligence could someday be treated as a utility, with people paying him directly to access materials stolen from them en masse, all from a subterranean lair shaped like a skull. “At OpenAI, we believe that intelligence is the commodity of the future,” intoned […]
The post “We see a future where intelligence is a utility, and…
OTTAWA – A recent amendment to Canadian content laws has set a minimum quota for the celebrity partners of former Canadian Prime Ministers, requiring at least 55% of pop stars dated by retired PMs to be Canadian. “We originally planned to set a minimum threshold of 35% Canadian pop star paramours, to align with the […]
The post New Canadian Content laws specify 55% of pop stars dated by former…
WASHINGTON D.C. – After facing cancellations from numerous d-list musicians, organizers of the Trump-aligned Freedom 250 Celebration have reportedly also seen withdrawals from similarly obscure Canadian one hit wonders. Reports indicate that cancellations from several forgotten acts, including C+C Music Factory, Bret Michaels, and the surviving member of Milli Vanilli, were all taken quite…
TORONTO – Loblaws is “stepping up to the cost of living plate” by offering a one-time court ordered payment worth approximately 33% of a typical grocery trip. “Everyday I hear Canadians tell me how hard it is to make ends meet,” said Galen Weston Jr, whose company agreed to pay $500 million to settle a […]
The post Loblaws bread-fixing settlement worth approximately 1/3 of grocery trip appeared…
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has absorbed the resignation from Parliament by climate activist Steven Guilbeault, immediately announcing that his seat would be replaced with a tar sands tailings pond that will be ceremonially set on fire. “While it is sad to see a colleague go,” said Carney without even breaking stride, “this is […]
The post Carney to replace Steven Guilbeault’s seat with…
BARRIE, ON – After decades of refusal to comply with his family’s requests, local dad, Chris White, 77, has finally lost his Asian restaurant privileges. The decision was finalized after an argument between White and his grandson, Thomas, 14, at the Mandarin last Saturday evening. The boy begged his grandfather not to bow at his […]
The post Boomer Dad loses Asian restaurant privileges appeared…
TORONTO – Facing backlash for alleged abuse of the TFW program during record unemployment, coffee chain Tim Hortons has vowed to reduce foreign hiring just as soon as they find a legal means to treat Canadian employees like human chattel. “Tim Hortons is an iconic Canadian brand, whether our employees come from Sudbury, Chilliwack, or […]
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REGINA – Aspiring social media political influencer Brandon Andreychuk is claiming censorship after his talk at the University of Regina was canceled by what he calls “out of control leftist students and faculty.” “I had announcements on my YouTube, Twitch, Discord, TikTok, X, TruthSocial, Rumble, and Telegram accounts, and Facebook for my parents, and suddenly […]
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“They’re going to be shaking the whole time we’re gone!” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Nile Seguin and Clare Blackwood) break down the Pentagon abandoning the Joint Board On Defence we all knew about it before this, the new MOU between Canada and Alberta, and Danielle Smith plowing ahead on an Independence Referendum despite […]
The post Soon-to-be grounded Snowbirds promise to make 2026…
COLUMBUS, OH – Jack Smarnoff, CEO of tech firm Confinity AI, is reportedly confused as to why the graduating class of Ohio State University are loudly booing his commencement speech, specifically the point where he referred to them as “unprofitable meat relics”. “I look out at all you graduates and think of all the potential […]
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WASHINGTON D.C. – The President of the United States will be forced to miss the second wedding of his eldest son this weekend, due to a top secret executive branch-level not giving a shit. “The president greatly regrets missing his son’s nuptials in the Bahamas, but regrettably he must remain in the Oval Office to […]
The post President misses own son’s wedding due to high-level not wanting to…
MONTREAL — The Montreal Victoire have won the PWHL’s Walter Cup, ending an excruciating three-year period where the championship resided south of the border. “I’m honoured to have helped bring a championship back to Canada,” said Victoire captain Marie-Philip Poulin. “Although it turns out it’s actually not that hard. Not sure what Maple Leafs fans […]
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EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has announced a Fall referendum on the general notion of referendums, including what they are, what if any questions they could ask, and why Alberta Separatists are right about everything. “Like, what even is a referendum, man?” will be the opening question on the wide-ranging referendum ballot, featuring hundreds […]
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LOS ANGELES, CA – Kars4Kids ads are being pulled from the CBC for reasons that are being described as “mercifully not billionaire pedophile-related”. Following a California court found the Kars4Kids campaign supported a Jewish organization called Oorah, which does not exclusively help children, observers have discovered that the scandal in fact has nothing to do […]
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“They’re going to be shaking the whole time we’re gone!” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Nile Seguin and Clare Blackwood) break down the Pentagon abandoning the Joint Board On Defence we all knew about it before this, the new MOU between Canada and Alberta, and Danielle Smith plowing ahead on an Independence Referendum despite […]
The post Soon-to-be grounded Snowbirds promise to make 2026…
You aren’t alone. It happens to every majority government. One minute, you’re engaged in a lively debate at a bipartisan committee meeting. The next thing you know, the press release you already wrote because the meeting was just a sham to appease your opposition is coming out and making a giant mess. It’s everywhere. The […]
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Elora, ON ― First-time parents Felicity and Ivan Jennings welcomed an enormous waste of time, money, and effort into the world yesterday, which they refer to as their “son,” or Jody. Friends of the temporarily happy couple report that Felicity is doing well and getting some rest, the last she will get for eighteen years, […]
The post New parents celebrate beginning of 18-year, $300,000 failed…
MONCTON, NB – Following the passing of Robert K. Irving, the Irving family has announced that he shall be buried in New Brunswick’s tallest non-smokestack structure, the Great Moncton Pyramid. As co-CEO of J.D. Irving Ltd, Irving, age 71, oversaw the family’s vast holdings, as well as their legions of serfs. The pyramid, nearly 125 […]
The post Robert K. Irving dies, to be buried in the Great…