After more than a decade of planning, the Barack Obama Presidential Center will open on June 19, 2026, in Chicago’s Jackson Park, offering access to communal gathering spaces, an urban park, and historic archives. Here, The Onion explores the key facts and figures behind the iconic new attraction. 300 ‘Hidden Michelles’ for eagle-eyed visitors to […]
The post The Obama Presidential Center By The…
It’ll take a lot more than the death of Fran Stephens, 50, to trigger a recall of ground beef.
The post Fran Stephens appeared first on The Onion.
NEW YORK—At last providing a definitive answer to fans’ endless speculation, Sopranos creator and executive producer David Chase confirmed Tuesday that Tony Soprano died at the end of every episode in the series. “People have been asking me for a clear answer for a long, long time, so here it is: Yes, all 86 episodes of […]
The post David Chase Confirms Tony Soprano Died At End Of Every Episode…
The post Back Of Gatorade Bottle Features Recipe For Gatorade Casserole appeared first on The Onion.
CHICAGO—Having confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one. “Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that I’ve driven away everyone who ever cared about me in this world, and now I’m all alone with my miserable self,” the dejected, unshaven NBA […]
The post Depressed Shams Charania…
Your mother, 67, is fine, but this is just a reminder that she could go at any moment. Give her a call.
The post Your Mother appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Saying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday. “Following a thorough review, the EPA has found that napalm, with its ability to burn at temperatures exceeding 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, is highly […]
The post EPA…
ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new “We Invented Spaghetti” slogan Friday during a call with investors. “We want Americans to know that when you’re at Olive Garden, you’re not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, you’re also […]
The post Olive Garden Unveils New ‘We…
Marty Peters and Karen Roth: Huh—the happy couple’s “in loving memory” table had a picture of Hulk Hogan.
The post Marty Peters and Karen Roth appeared first on The Onion.
LEAWOOD, KS—Remarking that it seemed “a tad excessive” to own more than a dozen of the recreational bouncing devices, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly urged fiancé Travis Kelce on Thursday to whittle down the number of trampolines on their wedding registry to one. “That’s a lot of trampolines, babe, and you can really only bounce on […]
The post Taylor Swift Urges Travis Kelce To Whittle Down…
CLAYMONT, DE—As part of its effort to make the popular consumer-led food safety platform kid-friendly and provide parents with tools for oversight, IWasPoisoned.com announced Friday that it was now offering teen accounts. “Starting today, new restrictions have been placed on the accounts of IWasPoisoned.com users under the age of 18, who will now need permission to […]
The post IWasPoisoned.com…
NEW YORK—Touting the initiative as a way to “bring love for the Orange and Blue to the places that need it most,” the New York Mets front office announced Thursday that franchise mascot Mr. Met had embarked on a missionary trip to the Amazon rainforest to spread Mets fandom to the region’s uncontacted tribes. “As we […]
The post Mr. Met Embarks On Missionary Trip To Spread Mets Fandom To…
Doug Valdez, 91, passed away early Friday morning in an attempt to beat the weekend rush into heaven.
The post Doug Valdez appeared first on The Onion.
Despite advances in technology, training, and performance optimization, some achievements in sports have stood the test of time. The following athletic records remain unbroken.
The post The Most Unbreakable Records In Sports History appeared first on The Onion.
MIAMI—In an official filing with the U.S. Department of Labor, Amazon employees alleged Monday that they had been exposed to inhumane working conditions while staffing the human chessboard that executive chairman Jeff Bezos maintains on the grounds of his Florida compound. “We’re not allowed to take breaks of any kind,” one Amazon worker said on the […]
The post Amazon Employees Detail Inhumane…
What are you doing here? This is not for piddling swine like you. Be gone! Back to your frumpy duplex you go! Reference #295432
The post Chic Apartment With Designer Furniture appeared first on The Onion.
Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say move the heavy thing, I move the heavy thing. When humans sit on top of me and pull on my head, I carry them where they want to go. The main food the humans give me […]
The post I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake appeared first on The Onion.
TENAFLY, NJ—According to Roosevelt Elementary custodian Thanasis Danielopoulos, faculty and staff at the school are often surprised when they learn that back in his home country of Greece, he was a demigod. “People are usually shocked when I tell them my mom was a maiden and my dad was a rain god who took the form […]
The post Greek Custodian Used To Be Demigod Back In Home Country appeared…
The pair said “I do” Friday after a whirlwind meeting with their tax preparer.
The post Sara Morse and Beth Lozano appeared first on The Onion.
The post Schtick-Starter appeared first on The Onion.
BALTIMORE—Responding to widespread proliferation of the technology in Americans’ daily lives, doctors at Johns Hopkins University warned Thursday that air fryers should not be considered an adequate substitute for human companionship. “An air fryer can be a powerful and reliable tool, but it’s no replacement for genuine interactions with other human beings,” said psychiatrist Lisa McDougan,…
Water-Inefficient Landscaping: Featuring lush, non-native tropical plants, a pool, a fish pond, and a private putting green, this home spits in Mother Nature’s face and dares her to do something about it. Reference #815233
The post Water-Inefficient Landscaping appeared first on The Onion.
NEW YORK—Calling the breakthrough a significant step forward in xenotransplantation, New York University doctors confirmed Monday they had successfully transplanted a pig foreskin onto a circumcised human. “This successful operation proves that pig penises are a viable, long-term solution for circumcised patients in desperate need of working foreskin,” lead surgeon Robert Langford said of the…
The post Kissing Practiced On Wife appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—In what experts are already calling one of the worst outbreaks of foodborne illness in decades, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued an urgent recall Tuesday for 40,000 gallons of RFK Jr. milk. The recall, which covers all milk produced by the body of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., was […]
The post FDA Recalls 40,000 Gallons Of RFK Jr. Milk appeared…
Diana Yanko, 61, died on Tuesday after an AI incorrectly filed her charts, another AI denied her claim, and a third AI turned off her life support.
The post Diana Yanko appeared first on The Onion.
The post What Are We Donating To Goodwill? appeared first on The Onion.
DES MOINES, IA—Joining a long line of musicians who have threatened legal action against the commander-in-chief, nu-metal band Slipknot issued a public statement Tuesday demanding President Donald Trump stop using their masks during his rallies. “Donald Trump’s vile, evil agenda is not at all aligned with what our terrifying masks represent,” frontman Corey Taylor wrote on […]
The post Slipknot…
EAST LANSING, MI—Calling the 21-year-old’s replies to his emails and text messages “rote” and “overly formal,” local professor Lowell Sterbenz told reporters Friday he was “pretty sure” student Evelyn Atwater was using AI to refuse his sexual advances. “It really is a shame with these undergrads these days,” said the 63-year-old Sterbenz, an art history professor […]
The post College Professor…
The post Kash Patel’s Eyes Fall Out appeared first on The Onion.