Ticks: Myth Vs. Fact

The CDC reports an estimated 31 million people in the United States are bitten by a tick annually. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the common parasites. MYTH: Ticks only live in the woods. FACT: Many ticks enjoy the more cosmopolitan feel of a park or garden. MYTH: You can easily feel a […]

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What To Know About Screwworm

A flesh-eating fly known as New World screwworm has been found in livestock in Texas. Here’s everything you need to know about the parasitic pest. Q: What is our government doing about screwworm? A: They are currently negotiating with the highest-ranking screwworm representatives. Q: Is this why my burger costs $25? A: No, that’s because […]

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FDA Approves First New Sunscreen Ingredient In Over 25 Years

The Food and Drug Administration approved bemotrizinol, the first new sunscreen ingredient to be permitted since 1999, bringing the U.S. closer to other countries who have allowed the UV-blocking compound for decades. What do you think?

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IWasPoisoned.com Introduces New Teen Accounts

CLAYMONT, DE—As part of its effort to make the popular consumer-led food safety platform kid-friendly and provide parents with tools for oversight, IWasPoisoned.com announced Friday that it was now offering teen accounts. “Starting today, new restrictions have been placed on the accounts of IWasPoisoned.com users under the age of 18, who will now need permission to […]

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Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners

SAN FRANCISCO—Expanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday for holding in front of embarrassing boners. “These safe, discreet folders are specially formulated to ensure you are the only one who knows that you are fully engorged,” said brand representative Erica DeLeon, touting the generic […]

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Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship

BALTIMORE—Responding to widespread proliferation of the technology in Americans’ daily lives, doctors at Johns Hopkins University warned Thursday that air fryers should not be considered an adequate substitute for human companionship. “An air fryer can be a powerful and reliable tool, but it’s no replacement for genuine interactions with other human beings,” said psychiatrist Lisa McDougan,…

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Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Foreskin Onto Circumcised Man

NEW YORK—Calling the breakthrough a significant step forward in xenotransplantation, New York University doctors confirmed Monday they had successfully transplanted a pig foreskin onto a circumcised human. “This successful operation proves that pig penises are a viable, long-term solution for circumcised patients in desperate need of working foreskin,” lead surgeon Robert Langford said of the…

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White House Doctor Claims Trump A Perfectly Healthy 9-Foot-Tall 35-Year Old

WASHINGTON—Assuring Americans that a routine medical exam had confirmed the president had no pressing health concerns, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, claimed Wednesday that Donald Trump was a perfectly healthy 9-foot-tall 35-year-old. “After concluding his physical, I can say with confidence that President Trump exhibits normal vitals for a […]

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Jill Biden Believed Husband Was Having Stroke During Presidential Debate

Former first lady Jill Biden claimed that she thought her husband, former President Joe Biden, was having a stroke while watching his disastrous 2024 debate performance against President Trump that prompted him to drop out of the presidential race, insisting she had “never ever seen Joe like that before or since.”

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New Harry Styles Tour Merch Includes Perimenopause Supplements

NEW YORK—Describing some of the new branded products available for purchase at shows, a spokesperson for Harry Styles confirmed this week that merchandise for the singer’s 2026 Together, Together tour included perimenopause supplements. “We are so pleased to provide concertgoers with an assortment of vitamins, minerals, and herbs that may ease symptoms as they ‘Kiss […]

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Listerine Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive To Spread Message Of Terror Throughout Microbial Community

SUMMIT, NJ—In a surprise attack of astonishing brutality, oral cavity sources confirmed Thursday that the Listerine inside a local mouth was leaving 0.1% of germs alive in order to spread a message of terror throughout the microbial community. “The mouthwash killed my entire colony and then told me to bear witness to the horrors I […]

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Trump Boasts Annual Physical Turned Up No Signs Of Pedophilia

WASHINGTON—Proudly declaring that the exam revealed what he had known all along, President Donald Trump boasted Wednesday that his annual physical turned up no signs of pedophilia. “The doctors gave me the most thorough pedophilia testing you can get, and I’m totally clean,” said Trump, who claimed he had not only tested negative on pedophilia blood […]

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Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg

LOS ANGELES—Touting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a sperm and an egg. “Thanks to my team of regenerative health physicians, I have effectively reversed the aging process and have never looked or felt more healthy and youthful,” said the […]

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RFK Jr. Rushed To Gym After Heart Attack

WASHINGTON—In a dire health emergency that forced staffers to quickly mobilize to save the Cabinet member’s life, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly rushed to the gym Friday after suffering a sudden heart attack. “Quick, get him on an elliptical, now! He’s fading!” said HHS staffer Kathy Guiles, attempting to hook the secretary […]

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Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works

FORT WAYNE, IN—In a potent reminder of the inescapably transitory nature of all that is or ever will be, reports confirmed Tuesday that the sweaty ass print left on a rowing machine at a local Crunch Fitness location was already fading away, much like all of our earthly works and aspirations. According to gym sources, […]

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What To Know About Hantavirus

Three people have died and others have fallen ill after contracting hantavirus aboard a Dutch-owned luxury cruise ship. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness. Q: What are the symptoms of hantavirus? A: It starts with feeling stressed out about the state of the world. Q: Who is at the highest […]

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