On 17 May 2026 – America’s 250th anniversary – I found myself in a small Texas town called Celina, witnessing something profound... that I hadn’t seen in a long time.

This is an excerpt from McSweeney’s contributor Hayley DeRoche’s new book, Dress Your Baby in Sage and Taupe: A Handbook for the Sad Beige Parent , available now!

When planning a sad, beige child’s first birthday party, it’s important not to lose sight of what’s most important: love laughter aesthetics. Make sure your little one’s birthday is filled to the brim with…

Wednesday was my last day as 39. I went to the biweekly non-fiction writing meetup, as usual. Told them it was my birthday tomorrow, "I thought you were 30!" one woman exclaimed. I said it's all due to wearing sunscreen and left in good spirits.

Then I went to my hairdresser. "Wow, they are coming," she said, holding up a batch of grays for me to see. As if staring at your blob-shape in the…