Turn Undead’s verbal component is “Shitty Bullshit Skeletons”, a very mean cover of the classic Halloween song

Sure, wizards focus on the combat useful ones like “Power Word Kill” or “Power Word Pain”, but there’s also “Power Word Mascot Costume”, “Power Word Gay”, “Power Word Having A Nice Cup Of Tea”, “Power Word Bankrupt”, etc.

Cleric fucking a warforged, call that Deus Sex Machina

Don’t tell the players the rules.

They have to guess. The game can’t start until they reverse-engineer the whole system through sheer luck.

Oh no! All RPGs are delayed because the ontologically evil minions that it’s morally uncontroversial to kill have unionised and gone on strike.

If you don’t want your games to have to deal with the ethical implications of violence, you’d better be prepared to give them at least a 10% raise and double their vacation days.

Evil cult are planning a summoning ritual to call forth their dark god to the realm. If the PCs fail to stop them, it turns out it doesn’t do anything because the dark god doesn’t exist. It was founded mostly as a tax evasion scheme.

Think a nice thing about your GM.

It’s quick, it’s easy and it’s free!

Warlock who actually sold their soul to Asmodeous to resolve their game group’s scheduling issues, and the whole eldritch blast stuff was more a helpful side effect

Independently, or the same three kobolds each time?

Hunter support team who go around making houses Haunted so the Hunters have something to do.

Unearthing the ancient arcane lore of the primordial wizards who strode the world at the dawn of time unlocks a new branch of magic that doesn’t do a single goddamn thing.

There’s a reason they’re the primordial wizards who strode the world at the dawn of time rather than the current wizards who are still striding the world as we speak, you know?

Make critical successes weirdly abstract.

On a natural 20 you don’t know any better practically, but what you did _was_ perfectly aligned with the ontological force of goodness, for what that’s worth.

Put all your skill points into Performance: Halfling

Why the Raven Queen? Ravens are notably alive.

Make the Goddess of Death really fit the job description by making her the Dodo Queen.

“Sadly, the enemy has far more men then us.”
“Don’t worry”
_Pulls out +3 hammer of forcefemming_
“I’m on it.”

REFUSE to give your game themes.

You have a sword and THAT’S IT! NOTHING ELSE! Do NOT try and find a moral in this! You WILL be removed from the game group!!

Werewolf: The Multilevel Marketing Scheme

Speedrun your campaign by cramming every threat, clue, enemy and NPC into the first room the PCs enter.

Rather then defeating the dragon in battle, you must defeat them in a philosophical debate regarding your moral right to slay dragons.

Every time you get a Nat 1, something bad happens to Mike Donati.

He’s just some guy somewhere. You don’t know him, and he doesn’t know why he gets these random bursts of bad luck.

Sad but true.

Every time you use a healing potion, make a d100 roll.

On a 1, you develop an allergy to healing potions and die.

Healing magic harms undead, but so does non-magical healing. Give a ghoul the kiss of life and you’ll vaporise it on the spot

When players give you character ideas, only accept them if their backstory includes the word “red”.

Don’t tell the players, it’ll be a fun puzzle.

Dammit my lack of knowledge of nuclear physics has seriously hampered my ability to make a joke about this.

Someone who's better at science make this funny.

My favorite spell, by the way, is from the Book of Vile Darkness.

It’s called Were-Doom.

What it does it turn 1d4 random people into werewolves. You don’t get to choose the people. You don’t know who the people are. This doesn’t benefit you in any way, you might never even know if the spell worked or not. It’s just straight-up “I cast ruin four stranger’s day for absolutely no reason”.

It’s a…

Transmute character to the weird fandom version of that character (level 9 spell, banned by all reputable wizard academies)

Just don’t have any world-building.

Where are we starting in this game? How should I know? I’m not a scientist.

The “This Is Not A Place Of Honour” plaque but it’s over a big vault of gold and vital information because the Ancient Fallen Civilization were total fucking dicks.

Vampires aren’t blood starved, they’re touch starved.

They’re just biting you because they don’t have anyone to hug :(

Orcs aren’t chaotic evil, it’s just that when they see humans they’re overwhelmed with cuteness aggression