“It wouldn’t be Texas without a chainsaw massacre.” Justin’s rating: This is even less plausible than the one on the moon. Justin’s review: When we decided on doing a Mutant Shark Week this year, I sighed so deeply that I used a part of my lungs that I’ve kept in reserve for my opera career. […]

“These aren’t girls! They’re pirates!” Drake’s rating: In which Cirio Santiago creates the short-lived pirates in prison (PIP) genre Drake’s review: The movie industry in the Philippines relied on two major things: Extras who were willing to get punched, thrown around, and blown up for around five dollars a day, and American actors looking to […]

“Cool, baby, cool! The Blockbusters are still blowing an instrumental, but in about an eight of a lick I’ll swing you in there and you can wail for all them cats. And you’ll gas ‘em, baby, you’ll really gas ‘em.” Drake’s rating: Movie bars always have something going on Drake’s review: This was not supposed […]

“You and your warlords have already taken over one dimension. You eliminated half the people. You forced the rest into slavery.” Justin’s rating: There’s no CGI quite like low budget mid-90s CGI! Justin’s review: I love that Rutger Hauer went all-in on scifi B-movies in the ’90s. He brought a certain level of grizzled intensity […]

“And raisins. They don’t eat raisins.” Justin’s rating: More raisins for the rest of us then. Justin’s review: Just when you think you’ve seen every creature feature that the ’90s had to throw at you, out of the brush slinks and slithers… Komodo! And my first thought was, that’s not a terrible idea. Komodo dragons are […]

“It’s just one big frying pan out there.” Drake’s rating: When you want a karate fight with a little movie sprinkled in Drake’s review: Everyone has to start somewhere, and for acclaimed television director T.J. Scott, that somewhere was behind the camera for a low-budget action flick shot in some Toronto government building basements during […]

“What are you blabbering about now?” Drake’s rating: This third time is decidedly NOT the charm Drake’s review: Some trilogies end on a high note, with triumphant battles and epic victories over seemingly impossible odds. Others cap it off with anthropomorphic teddy bears slaughtering and presumably eating Imperial stormtroopers before singing their way into toy […]

“Only Apache blood can take revenge.” Justin’s rating: “Yellow Hair” feels like her mom wasn’t putting in much effort when the naming day came around Justin’s review: When you’ve been swimming in the untended pool of cult films for a while, you’ll become more than familiar with all of the knock-offs that are out there […]

“Pinch me, Dolan. Did I just K.O. Hitler?” Justin’s rating: A foreign exchange program gone horribly wrong Justin’s review: I sometimes like to imagine that Tubi is genuinely worried on my behalf. After all, I freely come into its space and go, “Hey, I’d like to watch Zone Troopers today” like this is something normal and […]

“You just stay here and look pretty ’til we come back.” Justin’s rating: It’s not so much an “invasion” as it is a “ski lodge promotional video” Justin’s review: You know why some of us love these old, cheesy, and impossibly fake B-movies? I sincerely believe that it reminds us how imaginations used to work […]

“Business is business. Fun time comes later.” Drake’s rating: One and a half angora sweaters Drake’s review: The very first scene of Hot Ice tells you what kind of movie this is going to be. Winford and Charlotte Farthington are in their hotel room celebrating the success of their latest crime when they’re interrupted by […]

“Let her continue to learn. The time is not yet right, that they should join with us.” Drake’s rating: It turns out that Mutant Mice don’t take “no” for an answer Drake’s review: In 1959, legendary cult filmmaker Russ Meyer decided that what was really missing from the motion picture experience was copious female nudity. […]

“There is always… Santana.” Justin’s rating: Hey, I was told that there would be Terminators here! And morphing! Justin’s review: While touring through Mexico, two Americans — Charlie and Pete — get impatient when their bus breaks down and they have to wait, like, two or three whole hours. Forget that, they figure, they might […]

“I’m like X-Men and Captain Kirk Jr. rolled into one.” Justin’s rating: Yes, I am a Cool Expert! Justin’s review: Until a few years ago, I wasn’t consciously aware of how much scifi TV and movies Canada produced over the years. And Australia, while I’m thiknking of it. Now that my eyes are opened, I […]

“Old McDonald had a shotgun.” Drake’s rating: Sniff sniff Nerds? NERDS!!! Drake’s review: If director Jack Smight had had his way, then Denzel Washington could well have starred in a Cannon film early in his career. Washington was Smight’s first choice to play Detective Frank Hazeltine in Number One with a Bullet, but Cannon head […]